Fuck this warm weather were it’s simply impossible to hide your body under some layers of cloth. It makes me fucking uncomfortable and I feel the goddamn self-hate apporaching again…
Not skinny enough, not trained enough, not fragile enough, not good enough.
I hate my fucking reflection in the mirror.
Catching myself staring at that thing on the other side while I grab the fat, the deformations and all I want is to claw through to the bones.
Fuck.
And no I don’t want any comfort or uplifting words or whatever reaction to this - I just need to vent somewhere so just scroll past please. There is nothing anyone can say to make this better anyways. Thanks.
First off, I am -very- touchy when it comes to talk about insecurites and self-doubt. Because I have next to no self-confidence. All my life, I have been told I am stupid, dumb, fat, ugly, weird (not in a good way) and frankly have always been an outsider.
Remember the two pictures I posted yesterday, no editing, no makeup? I posted it on facebook as well. Because I felt alright about it. Still, it was a huge deal for me because of said insecurities I carry around with myself.
Of course it is to be expected that when you post something online, people will react to it and I am aware of that.
Still, it’s astonishing how many people in a short period of time had nothing better to do than commenting these pictures with things like “Lolol nothing but the horrid truth”, “you look like an alien” or “you look scary without eyebrows” and the like.
Congratulations, you cunts, for being utter assholes about someone who decides to -not- fake what they look like before going to bed or, in the same way, after getting up in the morning. This is what your allover-admirers from the internet usually don’t see because it is easier to present yourself in a perfect photoshopped, makeup-clustered hypocrisy.
And because of people like you I will forever hold on dearly to my insecurities and carry them with me, because I know that behind the editing and makeup, I am ugly. My personality is weird, twisted and fucked up. I know it and therefore you won’t hurt me be pointing it out.
And even more so, if you come prancing along telling me that insecurities are even uglier than a person you would call ugly from their appearance - good for you, have a cookie and get your face out of my sight. It doesn’t change a damn thing about me, my insecurities or how I will never allow myself to be more confident so people can come along again trying to bring me down and hurt me.
I won’t allow anyone to hurt me.
Be glad that you don’t know what that feels like.
“I don’t get how so many people I follow always claim to feel ugly about themselves and hate themselves because they are all so thin/beautiful/handsome/attractive/successful yadda yadda yadda and then they even post pictures of themselves.
it’s not fair for someone who is pretty to say they are not, it makes me feel like shit even more!”
*breathes heavily* okay.
I meant to make a video out of this but you know what - I’ll just rage-rant-type everything down now.
I’ve seen a post worded sort of like this floating around on my dashboard several times now and I can’t even start to express how angry it makes me.
Do you really believe that just because -you- think someone looks good or is successful they have no right to have a low selfesteem?
Surprise, this exists.
And here’s a little something to think about:
Maybe, just maybe, other people think the same about you because you think you are ugly. Shocking I know.
Selfesteem happens in the head and as we all know, the head is a twisted place to be. The mind plays tricks on each and everyone of us and it is always easy to see all those flaws others don’t even notice about you - but you know them. You know they are a weakness and you are scared that when people will notice those weaknesses they will turn away from you.
Someone you might find attractive can see things you do not see. They know that the pictures they take of themselves and which you think are beautiful are edited. Hell, how much do you know about how many pictures I took before I finally felt okay about the one thing I posted on the internet? How much I edited it until I felt like all flaws where erased?
People need to stop bashing those who openly admit that they hate themselves or feel ugly and call them out as attention seekers.
You know next to nothing about the person behind the screen. You don’t know if they cry themselves to sleep. You don’t know how many hours they spend in front of the mirror, poking at each flaw until it hurts both the mind and the body.
And just because those people -do- actually post pictures of themselves they are content with to prove to themselves that maybe sometimes they do not look as hideous as they feel they do IS NOT A FUCKING REASON TO CALL THEM LIARS AND BLAME THEM.
If you feel the need to do so, congratulations, you are a cunt.
It is okay to post pictures of yourself if you feel pretty.
It is okay to post edited pictures of yourself to make you feel better.
It is fucking okay to have a hard time accepting compliments because you just can’t see what others see in you.
It is okay to want to be loved.
And it is fucking okay to want positive attention about yourself and how you look to boost your crippled selfsteem.
There is nothing wrong with it so don’t let other people tell you any different.
Actually I didn’t plan to get upset about this but I can’t help it because everytime when I am starting to feel more self-conscious about myself and / or my social anxiety, some random person comes along and starts discussing my behaviour and decisions.
You know what? You can kindly go and fuck off.
I don’t need your validation, I don’t need your appreciation and for fucks sake, I don’t need your approval when it comes down to my diagnosed diseases or malfunctions or life-choices or what the heck ever. You know, that’s what I got my doctors for.
Yes, I have social anxiety (which used to be even worse with phobic tendencies some years back). No, you are in no position to observe me like an insect and judge whether or not I behave fucking accordingly.
Because contrary to those who like to dwell in their diagnoses and self-pity, I constantly try to work on myself and my problems so they get better and, eventually, vanish some day. I learned to pull myself together in a lot of situations, but still it is goddamn exhausting to me to deal with people, especially strangers.
Also, educate yourself because disorders are not the fucking same in every person. On the contrary, they differ a lot.
Of course you won’t believe me anyways, even if I thoroughly explain it but, you know what? I don’t care. I don’t need to show you my medical results or anything.
All I can do when I get to know new people is to warn them beforehand that it is likely that I will not keep contact. That I won’t reply often. That I loathe telephone calls and that it takes a good day on which I feel comfortable and self-conscious to get in touch with you.
No, just because I may have some more days of that good kind in a month does not mean that you can question my fucking diagnosis. It means that I am doing well. Which is good, not something to be called for. But thanks.
It’s amazing how my few friends can deal with me not messaging or contacting them for months without judging me, but people that (as I suspect) need the attention and feel hurt in their pride if someone like me does not give them the desired reactions start acting like major twats when they realize that I was not fucking joking when I warned them about my behaviour. OH THE SURPRISE!
So do me a favor and, if you know that you can’t deal with me and the way I am, just simply leave me alone. I don’t need the unnecessary pressure, I don’t need your judging and I do not appreciate the feeling of being observed, as if you are waiting for a teeny tiny “mistake” to proof me wrong - whatever success or wisdom that may bring you in your opinion.
Thanks, over and out…
People messaging me when I reblog or post a picture of a person, telling me what an asshole or bitch that person is.
Okay, first off - I don’t give a flying fuck about that. It’s just a picture, and if I reblogged or blogged it, that means I like the attitude, the way it looks or what or whoever is displayed.
It is just a damn picture, get over it.
I mean, I see the stupid faces of people I know personally on here from time to time, people that I know are fucking pricks and bitches, but I don’t feel the need to shove my opinion about those people down anybodies throat. It’s not like anyone is going to stalk the internet to go and marry them. And if they did, it’s their fucking business if they want to be surrounded by such people.
If you feel the need to use Japanese, use it properly if you don’t want to look like an idiot.
“これは本当にかわいいですねー”
- This is really cute, isn’t it?
you’re welcome.
