I’m so done with all this bullshit feeling nonsense and running after people that are not in the slightest as much interested in me as I fancy them. Really. This is just not working and it’s getting me down which I can’t use at all.
It’s no use to try and force anything and I know that, yet it’s hard to let go when you felt like there was some chemistry working in the first place. But why waste time on something that isn’t worth it?
I’ll try and just focus on myself for a while. Do a good job at work, rock my final exam, get the shirt sale going and start with proper photography as soon as possible.
The frustrating part is that someone like me can’t just go out for the fun of it, hook up with someone, spend a careless night and move on. There is always a progress of opening up and revealing certain things necessary and that part is exhausting and scary, but it can’t be helped.
It’s better to stay alone and to myself at the end of the day. It’s save.
I remember back at the beginning of February, me and two friends planned to go to the TIC for their Z-Files party. We actually wanted to go to the party in January already but Robert got sick so we skipped that.Meeting up at the club in February, first both of them arrived rather late and then left about 1 1/2 hours later again because they had the glorious idea to quit smoking two days before and had the worst mood ever.
So they basically left me alone there. Which is not really a problem for me in the first place because I go out alone most of the time anyways. Feels stupid nonetheless if you planned this stuff together to begin with though.
However, I just saw that Robert will probably attend tonight’s Z-Files party and it’s likely that Sabrina will go too. I just wonder… I mean, they didn’t even message me after last time to say they’re sorry for leaving me alone there so early and for being in a bad mood, they didn’t contact me at all anymore and apparantly don’t care to catch up with the failed attempts to go out together either.
Feels great. *sigh*
I really don’t know why I care about anyone anymore, this is all just so goddamn annoying. Pff.
Aaaand once more it’s time to say ‘fuck it’, get this bullshit out of my head and move on. I’m getting practised at this.
hfff… I -think- I managed to organize everything I needed to by now. Doctors are the biggest asshats ever but oh well.
One more appointment at the bank today and that should be it for this week.
I sometimes feel like my head is exploding because I need to remember so many things x_x
On another note I will likely sign my job contract in the next 2 weeks. We still need to discuss the wage but other than that things are looking good.
This was another pointless update on my boring everydaylife, you may continue scrolling now.
I’m starting to feel better all in all. Had a fucked up month so far, but I try to see as many positive aspects to everything as possible.
Tomorrow I’ll talk to my boss about my job (or rather, me staying in the company after the apprenticeship) and I am quite positive about this whole topic.
Some private things need to be settled after that but I think I’ll manage that as well.
And for the first time in years I feel like I am finally completely over my last relationship. It’s strange since I usually always came back to these old feelings sooner or later, but thinking about it now it doesn’t even hurt anymore. Which is very good. I can finally close this goddamn chapter and hopefully move on in terms of maybe finding a special someone in time.
Right now my priorities are with my job and my personal future, once these things are settled everything will fall into it’s place when it’s time for it.
Guess that is what people mean when they say that someone should add to your life and not come into it trying to fix it (and you).
I also feel better about myself. Surely, there is still a lot I am not comfortable with, but I am slowly getting there and I accepted that some things just need time. Like everything needs time. It’s no use to rush.
Haha look at me rambling away. However, this is supposed to be a very positive update. Now back to gaming and enjoying my wine.
hnnng.
I -think- I should head to the supermarket today and buy some supplies but I can’t be bothered at all… Also, thanks to this carnival bullshit around here I don’t even know if the supermarkets are open all day or just in the morning… (and of course ze internet doesn’t give any information about that matter)
I’m home alone today and tomorrow (well, tomorrow I’m at work anyways but yeah) so I think I’ll settle for watching movies, cooking some spaghetti stuff in the evening and have some wine… and maybe do some yoga later today. Also, if I’m arsed enough I might do another video since I don’t know when I’ll be able to jump around my flat alone the next days.
Well then. Time to get ready and head to the outernet for a moment *sigh*
Apparantly my boss now -does- think about keeping me after my apprenticeship. At least he talked to a colleague of mine yesterday (she told me this morning) and asked whether I’d be a good help for her and the support team.
Hum.
Not that I’d want to do that as a lifetime thing but it’s good to know that I still have options…
I also found that one of our customers is searching for an employee (in my hometown!) to work with the system we are selling here right now, oh the coincidence.
Will apply there and try my best pokerface to get the best loan… wish me luck.
I need to start writing my applications the next days and look for some jobs… no procrastinating, no last minute panicking. Still… I’m a bit nervous, even scared about the near future… I just hope things will work out…
